Features:Queries for Carrie

Beginnings, middles & ends June 2007

Query: My sister’s usually pretty sane. But she’s getting married at the Jefferson Memorial. Afterwards there’s some chi-chi restaurant for a feed like no other. The fiancé and his people are from time zones away. I have to assume all this hoopla is to give the hicks from the sticks something to remember.
I gotta say I’m not that into it. And I’m won’t give in to the fuss. I don’t shave every day, and I’m not going to for the wedding. I’ve got a tie, but I won’t wear it—too hot. I’m not out of line, am I? It’s not like the brother of the bride is key, right?

–Bored on Boston

Carrie: You are, and you are. You may not be standing up with the wedding party, but you’ll be seated in front, where everyone can see you. You’ll be in tons of photos (and if your sister’s gone to so much other trouble, believe me she’s booked a heavy photo package too). And you’ll be a de facto representative of the people of this fine region.
Why not show the ‘hicks’—many of whom are certain to be well-educated and traveled, and most of whom will have outstanding company manners—how we do it when we do it inside the Beltway. Shave anyway. Get your suit, and your tie, pressed. Have socks to match the tie. Shine your shoes. Remember to show your teeth when you smile for the camera—every single time. With good conduct and only a modicum of etiquette, you might even make time with one of the dazzled-by-your-urbanity bridesmaids.

Query: Like every summer, my family is doing a bunch of stuff. We go to the ocean, because that’s what my older brother and my mother like. We have to be here in July so my little sister can go to a special soccer intensive. My dad likes the Civil War. This year we have to go camping in Virginia so he can see some more battlefields. But we never do anything I want to do. There’s never any vacation time left, or money, or a car that works. It’s not fair. Can I just take myself to the orphanage? At least no one else there will have anything they want either.

–Mad on Maple

Carrie: It may be too late for you to have the vacation of your dreams this year. It sounds like everything is pretty well planned out already. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late to turn future summers around.
Introduce your ideas about a family vacation in September of this year.
Do some research on your own to find something that most of you can enjoy. If you yearn for something different, look for somewhere that has a lake big enough for boats and beaches—whether it’s in the mountains or near some other attraction of interest to you. You’re more likely to bring your mom and brother on board with an idea that takes them into account. If you’re really dedicated, you’ll also locate all the historical points of interest for your Dad within easy driving distance. Then you’ve got something to ask for, instead of a vague, “Why aren’t we doing what I like to do?”

Query: I have this ex-boyfriend, ex because he’s been dead almost ten years. His mother just died, and her will specifies that his ashes be buried with her. The problem is they hadn’t spoken to or seen each other for the last eight years of his life. Though just before the accident that killed him, they’d started writing.
Personally, I think he’d spin in her grave. But his sister thinks she should honor her mother’s last request—even though she knew the situation better than I did. Should I try to keep him out of his mother’s final resting place, or let this be?

–Devoted on Devon

Carrie: It’s awfully tempting to get all Gothic and sentimental and carry on the grudge in the name of your beloved the deceased, decade after faithful decade. We all read Wuthering Heights when we were growing up. Sometimes I believe that book has had an unwholesome effect on our cultural expectations. While passion past the bounds of mortality is very romantic, it’s not very comfortable for the other people who were close to the man for whom you’re carrying a torch.

Let the past lie quietly, as no doubt your ex will do, regardless of his final resting place. If you could allow, or even be supportive of, his sister’s posthumous fence mending, you’d be doing her and the extended family a huge solid. Help to heal the old rifts. Be a part of the solution. Show respect for the whole of his family, if it’s beyond you to feel respect for its most recently departed member.