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Have faith in your child—right now!
Emory Luce Baldwin
March 2007 |
Four year old Zack slathers lots of peanut butter and jam around on the bread as he attempts to make his first sandwich. "You're just making a mess!" his Dad exclaims. "You had better let me finish this." Zack looks embarrassed, and a little disappointed, as he obligingly steps aside. His father swiftly spreads the goo evenly across the bread, expertly slaps another slice of bread on top, and cuts the sandwich in half—all in about three seconds flat. Zack has been reminded, yet again, that he is not very good at doing things for himself.
Just imagine how discouraging it is for a child to hear their parents often telling them that they are not big enough, not old enough, not strong enough, not ready to do something on their own.
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Zack's Dad thought he was helping his son out—while also keeping the kitchen counter top clean! Unfortunately, something else was happening at the same time. Just as Zack was beginning to learn a new skill, his father told him in effect that he was incompetent. Without realizing what he was doing, Zack's Dad greatly undermined his son's self-confidence by taking over the sandwich making.
Every day, Zack, and other children like him, are dissuaded from becoming more independent, more capable, and more useful. Every day they hear the same old messages: "You're too little." "You're doing it wrong." "Let me do it, I'm faster." "That's too heavy for you." "Stop! You'll break it!" If adults only realized how much those messages hurt! Then, they would quickly realize that some spilled milk, a broken egg or dish, and a few more minutes of patient waiting are small prices to pay for the benefits of a child's growing accomplishments and confidence.
It is true that children are usually slow, clumsy, and inefficient when learning how to do something new. Yet, when adults take over and do the job themselves, no matter how well-meaning they are, they have cheated their children of the very opportunities they need to develop their own skills and confidence.
Adults, unfortunately, often underestimate a child's ability to learn and accomplish new skills that will allow them to be more self-sufficient and useful. Just imagine how discouraging it is for a child to hear their parents often telling them that they are not big enough, not old enough, not strong enough, not ready to do something on their own. No wonder so many older children are unenthusiastic later when their parents start asking them to help out more around the house!
Most parents love their children dearly, and want them to be happy. But, for some reason, they often overlook how vitally important it is to give children plenty of opportunities to learn how to be useful and contribute. It is always going to be easier, faster, and more efficient to do something yourself, rather than taking the time to wait for a four year old to do it. Yet the child who hasn't learned these basic skills at an early age is going to be much more troublesome and time-consuming later!
Adults need to have faith in their child's abilities right now—not later when they are older and stronger. If four-year-old Zack can scoop out peanut butter and mash it onto the bread—he is ready to make a sandwich. If six-year-old Marialys is begging to help make breakfast—she is ready to learn how to crack eggs into the bowl (and how to fish out egg shell bits with a spoon!). If seven-year-old Tomas is eager to walk to his friend's house alone, he is ready to learn basic street safety skills and walk at least part of the way alone (maybe while Mom watches from the door step, and phones the other parent to let them know he is on his way!).
Here are some suggestions to encourage your child's learning to be more independent and self-sufficient:
- Invite your child to begin learning a new skill. "Would you like to learn how to do this yourself? I think you are ready!"
- Don't underestimate how interesting it is to your child to learn all types of "ordinary" skills. From sewing on a button to swishing cleaner around the toilet bowl—the adult world of basic skills looks very interesting to children!
- Learning new tasks that make the child a little nervous, and you a little nervous, are at just the right level of challenge and satisfaction. Go for it!
- Practice frequently—children need to repeat a new skill many times to master it.
- Allow plenty of time to practice a new skill, a child may need to work slowly at first.
- Be encouraging—patient with setbacks and disappointments as well as appreciative of success. Focus on the effort and intention, not the product and outcome.
- Find ways for your child to use their new skill to contribute to others—for instance, Zack can make a sandwich for his Dad's lunch tomorrow!
Emory Luce Baldwin, LCMFT, is both a Family Therapist working with families in Takoma Park and Kensington and a certified parent educator with the Parent Encouragement Program (PEP). For a free parent handout with more information about balancing affection and responsibility, or to contact Emory, call 301-588-1451 or go to www.emorylucebaldwin.com.
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