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Coping Queries for Carrie September 2006

Query: Every year my neighbor buys a bunch of different plants. Every year she doesn't put them into her borders. Every year they slowly die of neglect. I can't stand to watch it. And the way it looks is embarrassing. What should I say to her, obviously next year, to make her more aware of my concern?

--Appalled on Allegheny

Carrie: What you should say to your neighbor is, "I see that you've got some beautiful plants for your garden. I'd love to help you get them into the ground. When's a good time for us to do that?" See how simple that could be?

Local zoning laws still allow for personal tastes and peccadilloes to have free rein on private property. You also might consider that you may not keep your home and grounds to the standards of every one of your neighbors and find forbearance for weaknesses in the landscaping practices of others. Takoma Park has long been a magnet for individuals who value their unique aesthetics and lifestyles. Let the "dilapidation" register as "diversity" and it may be less troubling.

If you're trying to sell your home, that's a different matter. Offer to clear your neighbor's clutter when you're out tidying your own beds and borders. She'll understand the matter, given a "For Sale" in your front yard.

Increase the peace.

Query: There's a new designer in the office, fresh out of grad school. I'm just a secretary, and old enough to be her mother. I've worked in this office about fifteen years. She may be good at what she does, but she doesn't have the manners of a five year old. She interrupts me constantly, and refuses to follow the simple administrative procedures we have. I love my job, most of the time, and don't want to leave and lose my seniority.

--Beleaguered on Boston

Carrie: As ever, the first step in any bullying paradigm is to share the facts with the authorities. Don't sneak up on the boss and give her/him a word behind your hand. Set a meeting time, and bring concrete examples of your difficulties with you. It may take only a private conversation to straighten out this inexcusable breach of etiquette. But most inter-personal conflicts don't go away so quickly. Flexibility on your part will only help your case and its early resolution.

It may not be comfortable, but if you don't have good reception to your problem from management, you should explore mediation options. You're obviously valuable to your office, and the insecurities of the junior creative team member shouldn't jeopardize the business's relationship with its senior administrative member.

Should neither of those solutions bear fruit, you could choose to bring a harassment suit against your co-worker. This is, of course, a last resort. If you see no other option, alert your company in writing that you're planning to take formal steps. This may spur your boss to make some further effort on your behalf--or even to rid the firm of such a behavioral liability.

Query: I'm moving into a basement apartment in my brother's house. He's asking for a great, low rent. I'll finally be able to get that debt monkey off my back. But there's one thing. The apartment has wall-to-wall carpeting and I have allergies and asthma. It's not a damp basement, as such. But there are mites in all that shag, and I don't have the vacuum cleaner to deal with them. I'd like to have the carpet pulled out and bamboo flooring put in before I move in at the end of the month. My brother feels like that would be a waste of money, since he only put the carpeting in a couple of years ago. What can I do to convince him to get those dust collectors out of there?

--Sneezy on Sligo

Carrie: Your brother could never desire that you be housed in an environment deleterious to your health. Why not offer to help with the costs? You could buy the materials and let him hire the labor. That way you can choose the flooring material that appeals to your taste, budget and health requirements. Your brother will be able to select the level of workmanship he can afford, and receive the satisfaction of knowing that better flooring brings the value of the property up.

Alternatively, as you couldn't live down there without a special cleaning appliance, take that not inconsiderable expense and give those monies to your brother. They'll probably go a long way to covering the cost of the materials. If you're financially strapped, compromise and have only those rooms in which you'll be spending the most time done first. When you're recovered from moving and you've got your debt load under control, you can have the rest of the flat finished.