Queries for Carrie

	Questions in Relationships February 2006

Query: I live in a group house. We take turns cleaning the common rooms, watering the plants, mowing the lawn and shoveling the walk. One of us tends to come up with “back problems,” when it’s his turn to do the snow shoveling. It’s not fair on the rest of us, and exceptions only lead to complications with every other possible chore. What can we do or say to keep the peace and the obligations moving nicely?

—Shoveling out on Sherman

Carrie: Call a meeting, or bring up this point at the next regularly scheduled meeting (assuming you all have one). Suggest that those who have no will or bodily ability to do that share of the labor apportioned to everyone may certainly hire professionals to do the work for them. If that means having a cleaning lady in once every rotation for the over-paid and under-motivated, so be it. If it means that someone pays $25 to have a couple of youths do the shoveling, that’s fine if their finished product is up to reasonable standards.
It’s nice to have people voluntarily participate to the top of their bent in group matters, but everyone has their own Ring-Pass-Not of tasks and chores that blight their personal landscape. Cut your housemates this slack, and enjoy serenity on the home front—as well as greater stability in housemate retention.

Query: When we got together, we agreed that Valentine’s Day was a scam propagated by multi-nationals looking to generate mid-winter income. We agreed we would celebrate our life together all year long, and not when mainstream society dictated. But he keeps telling me, year after year, about the nice dinner so-and-so received; or the roses with the hotel room key in the attached envelope; or the surprise cruise to Cancun; or the ski-weekend cum commitment ceremony in Vermont. Do I keep to our philosophy, or do I cave in, torpedo the budget and demonstrate my love with an outpouring of rampant consumerism?

—Agitated on Ager

Carrie: Don’t think of your boyfriend’s desires as “bait and switch”. He may have found that being with you has taken him to a whole new appreciation for proofs of affection. It can be hard to swim upstream against the cultural current all the time. Maybe he just can’t help wanting tangibles to go with all those high-quality intangibles you have together. I recommend indulging him.
Even if your budget together is tight, start saving small regular amounts (in a cookie jar or even a savings account) across the course of the year. Put a healthy proportion of any windfall amounts of money you may receive there. Eventually, you’ll find you have the means to express yourself in the manner to which your partner would evidently like to become accustomed.
But make your gift something consonant with your values the other 364 days of the year. You could surprise him with a large donation to your favorite charity. Or a chance to attend an auction, or celebrity studded event hosted by the same. You might sign the two of you up to go work with Habitat for Humanity—and have a romantic getaway that way.
Togetherness and expressions of love can take many forms. Don’t let your disgust of the dominant social paradigm blind you to your obligation to your partner to express and reinforce your love and desire for him.

Query: I have this friend. He likes me. I like him. But he won’t let me tell anyone he’s my boyfriend. I like him a lot. I don’t think he likes me as much or he would want everyone to know like I do. I’m afraid he’ll break up with me if I tell anyone. But I’m not good at keeping secrets.

—Blabbermouth on Boston

Carrie: There might be a number of reasons why he doesn’t want anyone else to know. He might not be comfortable being affectionate with you in front of his friends, or yours. He might think that he cares more about you than you do about him and you only want him so you can show off that you have a boyfriend. That’s probably not true, but he may not know that.
If he’s your friend as well as your boyfriend, you should be able to talk with him about these things. If that’s not easy, take your time, ease into it one conversation at a go, until you’ve shared with him that you expect him to share back with you. Clear communication may end the relationship sooner than it would otherwise, but it will also make the time you spend together more valuable and meaningful for its honesty and sincerity.