Queries for Carrie

	Repairing two roofs, sharing another

Query: I'm in a quandary. A couple years ago, I stayed in Kashmir aboard a lovely houseboat, run by a charming, hospitable family who encouraged me to feel more like a relative than a guest. Like the rest of the people in that region, they've been hit very hard by the devastation of the recent earthquake. I want to send them something to help them to rebuild, but I don't want to give the impression that I am a "wealthy American," as that is not the case.

--Baffled on Buffalo

Carrie: There are no easy solutions to problems like yours. Giving monies to large, international agencies doesn't guarantee that the targeted recipients will ever receive the funds, food or raw materials they need if the government is at all corrupt, or in disarray from the general state of emergency.

Giving directly to the people affected by the calamity may indeed change your relationship forever to the people who so charmingly afforded you shelter. If you have skills that might be useful in their struggle to put themselves back together again, offer those. If you have some money, but neither time nor skills, send that to your former host family with the explanation that you hope it will be of some help, but that it's all that you can manage. If your friends begin to think of you as a source of regular cash infusions, you may find that you are welcome to visit in the future, but your visits may lack the simplicity and intimacy of your former stay.

Query: I asked my mother what she wants for Christmas. As ever, she said she has everything she needs already. I'd believe her if the roof didn't leak and the screen door weren't hanging loose on its one remaining hinge and the dryer wasn't sitting cold and sullen in her basement for yet another useless year. I'm not all that anxious to be meddling in her affairs; she's not old or feeble yet by a long shot. But I hate to see her let her home devolve into a musty, overcrowded hovel.

--Worried on Wyoming

Carrie: Do offer your mother a gift certificate for whatever amount you feel is appropriate through a reputable roofer local to her. Or a trip to the department or appliance store to pick out a functioning dryer. Or a handy-man for the first six months of the year.

Do abide by her desire not to accumulate more things. But by all means, encourage her to get her infrastructure in good order and then to maintain it. Little home troubles multiply when not promptly tended. Your efforts to set her back into motion in fighting the good fight against entropy may be the best seasonal gift of all. And they could take untold worries off her shoulders, thereby prolonging her life as well as your peace of mind.

If neither of you has quite the money to manage reconditioning your mother's house, you may need to sit and have a talk with her about what her plans and preferences would be towards a living situation she could keep up with and enjoy. It might not be easy or comfortable, but if the house needs to go onto the market so that your mother may find a suitable living situation, it would be better for her to make the change sooner rather than later, when the house will have lost more of its value due to the depredations of time and neglect.

Query: My husband and I go to his parents for the holidays this year. I don't have a problem with alternating my family tradition. I have a history of being good at sharing and mediating, even. I also have an LCSW. But I don't know if I can stand to watch my alcoholic, verbally abusive father-in-law lay into his wife of thirty-seven years for three days straight one more time. I don't want to cause a scene, but I don't want to be there and I don't want my five-year-old daughter there either.

--Appalled on Allegheny

Carrie: I hear you. In fact, sit down with your husband as soon as possible and bring your worries to his attention right now. As a mediator, you have the skills to make your point; your training validates your issues around exposing your child to an environment as toxic and imprintable as that of your in-laws is sure to be.   Remember to stay focused in your discussion: don't bring up other points of marital contention as possible negotiating points. Presumably, your dismay over the state of dysfunction in his parents' home is of a singularly grave nature and has no point of comparison in your life together. If you don't feel as strongly as that about this issue, it may complicate the holidays beyond reason to bring any of this up. Good Luck, and Peace on Earth as well as within your Home.