Queries for Carrie

	Hang up and eat

Query: I work in a restaurant as a wait-person, and I very often deal with people who are so busy with their lives that they don't seem to be able to put down their cell phones long enough to order, let alone pay for, their meals. I want to be prompt, informative, and detail oriented in what I do, but I have enough sensibility not to want to "interrupt" my customers so as to create hostilities that lower my tip. What can I do?

Cowed on Carroll

Carrie: What a sticky wicket you describe, and justly so I might add. It used to be understood that one didn't take or make phone calls in front of others, unless there was an emergency in the offing. These days, having a phone seems to require that one use the gadget incessantly as a means of forestalling the loss of that expensive bauble. If I were Empress of the Universe, I would ban calls indoors in public places, as that is where most of these calls are most intrusive most of the time. But I'm not and I can't. So I'll advise you to wait in front of your customers with your eyebrows arched as high as they'll go (which facial intensifier signifies a question in AMSLAN and may even be apparent to the allegedly hearing whom you serve). Give them a count of seven, and then move on purposefully, but without rigidity or sufferance. If they really want your attention, they'll pause their chat-time and ask you for that egg salad sandwich, or an extra knife, or the bill or whatever. Sadly, you're in a difficult position without much recourse as these people end by paying the bulk of your earnings out to you one quarter at a time. Too bad cell phones aren't banned in restaurants the way they are in movie theatres. Maybe you could make a suggestion to the owner, and start a trend: Cellphone-free Dining.

Query: I was seeing this guy. Well, it was more of a long distance, internet-based relationship. We wrote and talked on the phone, and visited back and forth a few times (he lives a couple thousand miles and two time zones away). But we never got down to brass tacks, even after six or seven months. When I suggested we'd be better off as friends, he said yeah--right away. Should I be mad at him? I kind of feel like he was wasting my time. When I asked him if he hadn't said anything sooner 'cause he didn't want to hurt me he came back with "Oh no." So, should I be irked he wasn't serious, or glad I've got a friend?

Huffy on Holyfield

Carrie: It may be that your friend didn't want to answer your direct question with the baseline truth for fear of hurting your feelings retroactively. And it does sound like you're not as resigned to platonic friendship with this 'friend' as you might be. On the other hand, you still have the friendship option open. If he's the sort of person who broadens and deepens your perception of the world and yourself without causing you internal emotional injuries, then hold onto what's on the table by all means. If not, then it's not too difficult to drop an e-mail buddy without too much hassle.

Query: Why don't people take their hats off when their inside in public places anymore (or private places for that matter)? If I have to see one more baseball cap on one more person when I am trying to have a reasonably civilized dinner out, I'm afraid I may break with the bonds of propriety and let loose with some horrible, personal remarks. How can I save myself from this distress without lowering my standards or accepting the shoddy standards of those around me?

Perturbed on Pierce

Carrie: Oh dear! Hats are getting trickier all the time, aren't they? In our more diverse, multi-cultural modern society, we have to recognize that large segments of the population have hardcore reasons for not taking their hats off indoors.   Religious strictures come right to mind here. Not that a baseball cap is a (recognized) symbol of religious affinity, but once you're on subject of hats you may find yourself in stickier territory than mainstream etiquette has addressed in the past.

So, maybe, one or two of those hats covers a yarmulke, and belongs right on the offending head where you see it. For the rest, I can only say that a general lack of strong home-training in recent decades may or may not contribute to the collapse of Western Civilization as we know it, but it certainly has put paid to a universal understanding of when, and when not, to wear a head covering. Extend compassion to the ignorant, rather than vitriol. Patronize establishments where the hatted aren't, or don't want to be, or be there at odd hours and retain your peace of mind and sense of perspective at the same time.